Yes

No

Please.

Thankyou

Hubba Hubba Hubba

That don't impressa me much

Yes, we get it

Do you want to get a room?

LOL

That it's Totes Lol. You should be on the stage.

Richard

Sasi

Shut Up

Silence

Why don't you silence yourself.

Merry Christmas...

Hasselhoff

Quotes from the legendary Hoff...
------------------------------------

Upon being told he was hugely popular in Austria: -

"Where's Austria?"

-----------------

After being asked if it was problem not being able to sing in German: -

"No, they all speak English. We won the war."

-----------------

Refering to his gig on The Berlin Wall: -

"It was like Woodstock!!!"

-----------------

A rare moment of truth: -

"I played soccer arenas in Portugal. It was a joke."

-----------------

After the Berlin Wall gig, Hasselhoff proceeded to attack the wall with a hammer to get some mementos: -

"I gave it to my crew on Baywatch with a plaque that said, "A little piece of freedom from David Hasselhoff.""

-----------------

After being asked if women threw their undies at him in Europe, bizarrely: -

"I've got kids, and I highly publicize that."

-----------------

Upon being asked what it was like performing in Europe: -

"I was like the Spice Girls."

-----------------

Commenting on training with a professional opera singer: -

"I've got an incredible range. She was blown away."

-----------------

The humble beginning of his 'singing' career: -

"I was just the Knight Rider. But once they called me and said, "We'd like you to sing." I said, "Only if I can sing on the Berlin Wall." "

-----------------

Lying about his virtually unwatched one-off TV concert, 'David Hasselhoff and His Baywatch Friends': -

"The audience had given us a standing ovation and it was incredible. "

-----------------

Why his parties are complete non-starters: -

"They had a party for me afterward, and everyone was just watching television. I was watching too."

-----------------

On the people of Chile: -

"These people love David Hasselhoff. They love Knight Rider."

-----------------

When quizzed about his home-life: -

"There are Germans in my trees"

-----------------

Retorting to the insinuation that he only has 'a couple' of platinum albums: -

"I've got 40. Forty gold and platinum albums. Not a couple.Come to my house and count them."

-----------------

Suggesting that he may actually be God: -

"I once met a girl who was in a coma, and she looked over at me and said, "Danke." The doctors flipped out. They said, "this girl hasn't spoken. She's basically about to die." But she lived. The doctors said she had had no reason to live, but because the Knight Rider came in out of nowhere, she gained the will to live."

-----------------

Henmaniac

Well, the Summer's here and once again the nation needlessly became over-excited after resting its hopes of tennis glory on the shoulders of petrified choirboy, Tim Henman.

Didn't we marvel as he scraped through the first round, beating a wheelchair-bound stroke victim before stirring our hopes up further with a seamingly easy draw in the second. By this time the nation was once again in the grip of Henmania and as the hour approached, Henman-Hill was awash with mad women and students alike, screaming that 'This is the year!!!' and no way would we once again witness his outstretched, forlorn form flopping miserably to the fucking grass as ace after ace was fired past him.... so much for fucking optimism.

Anyway, now that it's all over, I think it's important to look at how Tim prepares himself for these gruelling batterings.

------------------------------------

1 - The Look Of Shame:



A pre-requesite for every match. Ideal when being drubbed by opponent or when having just played a shot a two year old would have been ashamed to have hit. Takes years of practice to reach its grimacing best.

------------------------------------

2 - Divine Intervention:



The demand for assistance from God himself. A Henman classic. Used when all else has invariably failed.

------------------------------------

3 - Dispair:



Essential for the end of the match. Used to gain sympathetic applause and to duck missiles hurled by enraged onlookers.

------------------------------------

4 - On Guard:



Peculiar fencing stance used to no great effect. Note how the ball whizzes past his ear.

------------------------------------

5 - Celebration:



Used once he hears Greg Rusedski has been knocked out before him.



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